This was Going on The blog but…

I was going to add this to the regular blog but there’s a paywall for little videos like this so here it is…

The following was the caption for this video – why am I putting it here? I wanted to share elsewhere more easily…

I wanted to work

To push my Small Business

I put a lot of it aside for her

I put a lot of it aside for others too fawning is my #1 trauma response I knew that my decision to work for my therapist was wrong but my family needed income

I had a “friend” and fellow Twitch Streamer who is more able bodied than I am, has a huge following and a huge family backing, who is not a minority hounding me about getting a “real job” because in her words I couldn’t live off of charity (another situation hurting my trauma and mental health that my therapist refused to address)

So I ignored my intuition for a “real job” with someone I thought I could trust

I’m tired of narcissistic people projecting their fears on me

Everyday I regret saying anything to that therapist about how her words were wrong and hurtful to the poor

Everyday I regret not running myself into the ground to please her and her money

Had I just sucked it up and lost my mind my Mom and my bunny would be safe and housed and fed

But I wanted to be true to my heart – to reflect the words I say to my fellow spoonies and disabled friends “Take care of yourself and rest is productive”

I’m lost and scared and froze

I wanted to hold on and be well enough to share my art and music and writing – I wanted to stay well enough to release Into the Light and my new website that I worked so hard on with the help of a friend who gave so much of his time that I felt like a terrible and toxic burden to him

I’ve been feeling too ashamed to use GoFundMe as it seems like the only place people feel moved enough to give but then I prove all my abusers right how I’m useless and pathetic and lazy

I wanted so much for my Ko-fi Page to grow and add more to the Ko-fi Shop and get commissions because helping others express themselves through my creations makes me so beyond happy

Now it all feels like trash and a lie infected by my therapist who used and discarded me I wish I could bring joy and love and peace and not this…

I’m sorry

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