This is kind of the first time in a long time that I have no idea how to start saying what I want to say. It’s hard for me right now to have words; this past week or maybe longer has been like reliving one of the most devastating times in my life. In all my vlog closings I’ve wanted to say “Love and Peace” to everyone to wish just that, I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten a lot of times, ha forgive me.
What is love exactly? I had been on a journey to find out for longer than I can remember, also what is peace? Right now I am not in a place where I can afford to give that to anyone but myself and a few people I hold very, very close to my heart. It might be because they were the few people there for me during the culmination of the darkest times I faced mentally and for the most part they’ve supported me in the aftermath. To me they’ve reminded me of what unconditional love is; it is my opinion that this is the only love that exists. I’m sure I’ve said it too many times to even be comfortable with it myself; I suffer from depression. I was diagnosed a year ago, officially. I think back and I honestly have no idea how long I’ve dealt with it, but in high school and college I had time and I had the freedom to deal with it on my terms. It is my belief that everyone deserves love, and everyone deserves peace but none of us truly know what that means. The internet is flooded with attempts to explain, a lot of it seems watered down, rose-colored versions of what any of it could really mean.
As I am writing this I know I am not en expert but I do know that people in my life have tried to push very false ideas about both of these terms with this ideas of pushing positivity to the point that it’s delusional, and caring for a person in such a broken way that it feeds the delusion. Love is not easy, it’s not even and cool tempered, it isn’t even enjoyable sometimes. As people in a world that is not perfect we go through pain and hurt and learn ways to cope with the world, whether your life has been blessed enough to be free from tragic forms of abuse and neglect and you’re had a pretty healthy and stable life at some level we are all animals and are driven by fear and the basic needs to survive as higher thinking beings it gets jumbled and complicated. That being said it often means that love is having to teach your loved one to better themselves and that hurts, or it means seeing your loved one go through pain and that too is not easy because while our idea of “love” makes us think this means coddling, it sometimes means the opposite, supporting someone to the point that they are being babied is not loving. I’ve been blamed of this many, many times, both as a person who is supporting a loved one who has been left very broken in life and being someone who is very broken herself.
I’ve wanted to write this for a while since I had a moment maybe about a month ago now when I was not coping well with my depression and people on my server were trying to push for what they thought was helpful but it only lead me to want to hide even more. Through a lot of things that happened this past week I have come to the conclusion that I am not ready to accept another community in my life. I am not capable of giving that much of myself at this point in time. Maybe I would have been back in December but the passing of my father has brought me down to a very vulnerable place again. This might be the part when I talk about what I believe it means to have peace, especially in the light of something like depression that so easily robs us of peace.
Many people over time have prayed, wish, hoped for world peace so much that it’s become a joke when thinking of beauty pageants. Unless you want group think, there will always be conflict where there is love. To let a person truly be themselves you will face conflict unless you let go of your real self. We should strive to have peace both within ourselves and with those around us it does not mean that things will always be bright and happy. Dark times exist, peace is about acceptance, it’s about resilience in the face of those dark times. Denying those times will not lead to peace, it leads to a false sense of security, and when that security inevitable crumbles the result is devastating.
My friends, fans, or whoever is reading this, this time for me is not easy and I am afraid to even be honest about this for a lot of reasons. I am a really empathetic person to the point of getting lost in everything I sense that I no longer know where I am, so cutting myself off from people is difficult because I always care and my fear is that some who need to know someone cares will not know how much I care. I am also afraid of toxic people who act out of pity and claim it is love who will come out of the wood works as I am being honest about things. Know that I had what I need to cope. I will be just fine. I just want to explain a time where I will not seem as caring as I really am capable of being, and right now there is only so much I can afford to care and I am limiting that caring to the very few people who have earned my trust. Mainly, I have to go back to mostly only caring about myself and this is the first time I am saying it out in the open, for the sake of those in my server. Having to hold a full time job makes coping a little different than when I had only school and less responsibilities. I want my stream to continue and I want it to thrive, for that reason alone I have to pull back the amount of time I give to people.
Here are some links that I wanted to add but I wasn’t sure where for those of you who love someone with depression
I appreciate everyone in my life and I do sincerely wish you all true love and true peace.