And Someday You Find Yourself So Thankful You Cannot Think Straight…

I never would have imagined back in late Feb/early March that I would be feeling the way I am tonight. I never would have imagined this feeling three years ago; in fact, I would have thought I never would have felt this way three years ago. It was three years ago that a good friend of mine pushed me over the edge of diving into my music. It was by their sheer honesty about everything else we talked about day to do that made me trust their word. Why does that matter? Because I feel like I had fake people (kinda like yes men) all around me who didn’t really care nor support anything I talked about. My dreams of bringing about life and love in a world full of pain and darkness were overlooked and ignored.

Eventually, this friend being an honest and trustworthy soul lead me to making a YouTube channel because of their words about my simple little songs, or maybe it was right after I made my channel nonetheless their words helped me want to dive into YouTube and using the channel to share my music. I have struggled to post there, for a lot of reasons. After I got fired from my job 3 years ago it was a few months of uploading as much as I could and a lot of time looking to ways to work and make ends meet. On the spare time I had though I went into studying other channels and other content creators and learning what I could about posting on YouTube.

This lead to me finding a quirky and intriguing lad named Andy and his channel theEgocast. The name itself was interesting enough for me to want to dive in. Avoiding all the details I barely remember at some point he started streaming on Twitch and this was the beginning of a huge change in my life. I made an account to watch my fellow creator. A person who has helped me a lot along the way in my time knowing him. I think it’s been about a year now. Some short time after I joined Twitch out of boredom from being home with food poisoning I found musicians on there. Suddenly, I was plotting streaming myself but I really kept telling myself I didn’t have it in me.

Then I ran into this guy’s channel and his guitar; the vibe was so relaxed and peaceful. I barely knew I was sick and about to throw up. I was just enjoying the fun people there and the banter and the great energy of all of it. I thought to myself, I have a guitar and myself. Then he played one of his originals and the rest feels like history. I made my channel and figured out what I needed to do to stream. It hasn’t been easy but the struggles and the pain have all been well worth it all.

I have found a lot of good friends there, and I cannot put that lightly. I mean GOOD friends. Not people who are good people and are friendly, I mean people who remind me of what the word should and does mean. Even people who are currently doing what they can to help me out of a crisis and this isn’t even the first time they have done something like this. Besides a sense of not being alone have found some sort of odd meaning and purpose in my music that I always wanted for it to have. I have found colleagues and people who understand my struggles, my fears, my hopes and dreams. I have found support for my mental illnesses and my fears. I have found a place to live out my dreams and I am so beside myself tonight. Maybe to the outside world it looks silly. We all get together and talk to strangers online some who choose to sit in front of a camera to talk to faceless voiceless strangers online…

Tonight it is a place that has made me face my demons. It is a place that is forcing me to silence the voices that say I am worthless, and pathetic, and useless. It is forcing me to question why I refuse help even when I desperately need it more than anything. It is forcing me to sit with the fact that I hate and doubt myself so much. I am shaken because I have friends that don’t agree, and it’s not one or two people who I met randomly and months/years apart. It is people who I talk to here and there daily or at least weekly and I can probably say more than a handful of them were found here. We’re all here for each other in our weird little world of video games, music, art, poetry and inside jokes; we share our struggles and our triumphs. I feel like I found home and I am so afraid to even say that tangibly.

Anyway, for those of you who have helped along the way in every way possible or anyway possible I want to thank you so much more than I can ever explain. Your thoughts, your energy, your gifts and your love will not go unseen or unaccounted for, not by me anyway. I wish I could tag each and everyone of those channels that have made me feel welcomed. I feel like anyone I forget to list wouldn’t be any less valuable because they are all beautiful to me in their own way. I feel like I have a million stories to talk about. Two communities in particular have welcomed me in such a beautiful way one I linked above and the other I will link here. Anyway, many thanks to the Chill Circle, and the Void… Love and peace to all of you who read this.

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