6 Days

I’ll be honest, today, I’m struggling to meet this challenge I made for myself. Things out of my control have made me feel incompetent for over a week now but I’m trying to move past it.

Content Warning soon enough there will be heavy cursing, some expressed anger.

Last night my toilet got clogged, if you know what I dealt with before you know why this is extra distressing. Thankfully, I was semi-regulated, enough to not go into a panic attack or breakdown and stay calm and patient for my mom.

I’m scared that this will trigger an episode for her, as her full time caretaker it’s heavy for me to deal with her mental health while mine is slowly collapsing. I always feel like I have to fight for understanding as I get so much push back and bullying for the self advocacy I manage to do. As if I haven’t done everything within my means to get help before asking people to at least look at my work or share the crowd funding pages – FUCK I am so tired of writing or saying “Ko-fi” FOR FUCKS SAKE!

This isn’t fun for me. People get ideas about the poor that we just sit and have fun and manipulate people to fund some kind of lack of drive. THAT’S THE RICH CUNTS LIKE TRUMO, BIDEN AND MUSK DOING THAT SHIT!

Alright, pulling back into myself again. I’m tired, I’m exhausted. I hate this so much. I want to be present with my mom before I don’t even have her anymore. She doesn’t remember me much less my birthday. I just want to keep my bunny safe and healthy as he helps me function and survive. I just want to make art and music for my community, for myself, for everyone who needs what I have to offer.

I’m tired of feeling like nothing. I’m tired of remembering how many times I trusted toxic people and how many times all of them threw everything in my face. I’m tired of hearing the voices of my abusers pushing me to the brink of self destruction. I’m tired of my friends only giving and never receiving. I’m tired of feeling like a burden.

My birthday is soon, very soon thus I’m counting down. For me it was always fun in my head to count from 10, my favorite number, from New Year’s Day to get to my day, my birthday. Growing up I dreamt of more that I’ve ever had and I’ve felt like trash for dreaming.

I saw a post on Instagram that reminded me of the pain and wishes.

I’m trying to hold on to the little things that make me smile, my friends who are being supportive and kind sharing their time, love and kindness with me from warm words and encouragement in DMs to mindless gaming and laughs at night to enjoying the random memes I send them, to inviting me to dinner or dropping off random food… I wish I felt like I were giving them more.

I’m thankful for my new therapist helping me heal from the abuse and betrayal of my past therapist. Wishing so much that things were different, so, so much.

Music feels empty right now and it hurts so much. I can’t even think when I’m sharing on streams. I’m just lost in my despair. I’m thankful friends have been there to listen and chat as much as they can. I’m thankful to people in the Fediverse opening their hearts to me for whatever moved them to do so… I’ve earned more there in tips than I have earned on Twitch for months. Not even sure when I had a payout.

More than anything right now I wanna oee in my toilet without fear.


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