5 Days

Guess what everyone? Shares are free!

I slept 12 hours today. It’s my deceased father’s birthday today.

I’m writing from my desk, half of me wanted to just end the post there as if it would make me mysterious or something. Feels silly but I giggled and it’s hard for me to find things to laugh and giggle at somedays.

Actually, the past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of my alone time just making myself laugh. Sometimes I feel guilty like I “should be working.” I’ve been endlessly exhausted since this whole crisis started. I’ve done everything I can to get my needs met and if you haven’t heard by now I’ve officially gotten my eviction notice.

I hate that I feel too ashamed to express myself, too fearful as well, when I see people from my past reacting to my posts passively. Should I be holding back at this moment? Does it matter? Will fawning really keep me safe right now? Fawning only kept me safe around my father. These other connections do nothing really, nothing like my healthy connections who really see and hear me and support me. I still have deep pushback within me, a voice telling me again and again that I’m worthless to them and I wonder why they have done what they can to help.

Then when I see others who I are really just acquaintances who call themselves friends react with condolences without action, unsolicited advice or anything else that show how little they are hearing or seeing what I’m communicating I feel stuck. Do I correct them and say what they can do that refuse to do when they say “I wish I could do something” and they’ve done nothing? It seems like I would be just like those who tell me what I “should” do, as if I haven’t done everything I can within my means.

Self advocacy is a really difficult action to execute especially for trauma survivors. There are many cases where my friends have said “I wish I could help” and they’ve done so much already and I really hope that those reading this who are those friends know that these feelings are not because of them. To be honest I’m 99% sure that the people who made me feel this way won’t take the time to read this as much as they would take the time to share memes and chain letter type content.

Shares are free…

What do you choose to share?

Today, a friend posted this on their insta, CW if anyone follows the link on the image, sexual content:

Some of my disabled and/or chronically ill friends have expressed similar ideas, the fact that we exist challenges the status quo. Most who live in denial who are too enveloped by their false reality or coping narratives can’t face the challenges we make to their worldviews.

An example I can give was my father. His childhood taught him that he is unlovable and should be abandoned until he “proved” himself and “worked hard” to get that conditional love. He was also disabled with severe visual issues and emotional dysregulation and abandoned by his biological mother (my grandmother) from the trauma of the first three years of his life. What he learned in his tiny, toddler mind and nervous system was that he was the problem. As time passed and his adoptive parents abused him and continued the emotional neglect the same message was given. We don’t know what happened to him during his teen years at boarding school except that he started self medicating with drugs an alcohol. Years passed he learned of his mother abandoning him and he created a narrative that his adoptive parents could do no wrong.

This all painted a worldview that my disabled body challenged. Seeing that my mom cared and loved me as a mother should despite me struggling to breathe when I ate as a baby, seeing her take care of my brother the same as she cared for me, seeing her be a mother shook the idea that he was the problem as he had grown his self preserving worldview that he was perfect so I became the problem. I didn’t even realize this until I learned about why a scapegoated child becomes the scapegoat in a toxic family system.

Essentially, I’m trying to share this for a few reasons. One, it reminds me of the fact that the bullying or neglect or manipulative or dismissive behavior I’m facing as I self advocate or just try to be my authentic self isn’t my fault. It’s not wrong to express my needs especially during a crisis such as the one I am in right now. Two, this is part of why I truly believe that better mental health awareness and practice can change so much pain in our world and take down the systems we have in place that create suffering as it is now. Generational trauma leads to many scapegoats, golden childs, self abandoning people, narcissistic behavior and more. Three, I would like to empower anyone else who is continually living against the grain, dreaming of a better reality, wishing to take down the things that leave us numb, seemingly brainwashed or in a fog of voluntary ignorance. I do believe there is hope in our world to evolve and stop just trying to submit to these dynamics.

As I wish I could celebrate and remember a father who would let me be who I was meant to be, as I wish I could have genuine memories of love and warmth from a father, as I know there are many like me who don’t even know what a real father should be or might look like… I hope you know you’re not alone. I hope you know we can reparent ourselves at any time in our lives and grow and shine as we were meant to do. Your voice and light matter, please keep fighting, please know you are seen and heard and loved.

Sending love and peace

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