Whatever This Is…

A friend on Insta has been trying to advocate for me an many others in need daily

In 15 months this is the first time I’ve not been the only one making posts and stories to try to push my  Mutual Aid Request

This post, the caption for my latest reel (which is how this started) everything feels useless but I really don’t want my Mom to spend even more time confused, crying, terrified and I don’t want to put my bunny at greater risk of death either as this stress can make his whole system shut down

I have no way of making income now that I don’t have a home – I was told my things would be kept safe away from the potential of them getting stolen, away from the chance of my life’s work getting destroyed by the weather, away from my guitar being destroyed by humidity in this hotel with broken AC but that person (a friend) now denies that; a lot of me feels they just didn’t listen though I mentioned it three times that I remember

All my clothes were destroyed in the car because the truck leaks and I only have the same clothes I’ve been wearing for a week – someone (a friend) was supposed to wash them for me they took my clothes and haven’t spoken to me

I never enjoyed displaying myself not the good defiantly not the bad – I just want to hide away and rot that’s always been what feels safe

For the sake of my creations and for the sake of my desire to help, to heal or bring love into a dark world I stood against that desire

I felt no one deserves to feel alone or abandoned or forgotten but here I am feeling all those things

Asking for Mutual Aid is hard work for anyone. Trying to grow a small business is also hard work for anyone. For me it carries extra consumption of physical and mental resources. I never feel that people would understand unless they have lived through similar. My body feels as if I’m about to face terrible danger everytime I write posts like this, make videos for YouTube or Instagram or stream, announce these things arw going to happen or have been made. It’s far beyond my capacity to explain what my nervous system and the rest of my body endures in these moments. Just existing as a person trying to live from my creations is excessively difficult for me but when I ended up feeling suicidal daily trying to work for others because I have been beyond my capacity since the loss of my emotional support animal and Mom’s mental health tanking afterwards it has been my only choice.

Sometimes I feel that people assume that this is fun and delightful for me. Perhaps it’s because my father loved calling me capricious when I was in severe pain or when I struggled to breathe when eating my food. In trying to find words outside myself to explain even a bit of what I endure just with little things like daily posts on Mastodon, Instagram or weekly streams or podcasts or videos for YouTube on top of countless other things I face from day to day I came across this article and it’s far too complicated for me to summerize. Regardless here are a few key points from screenshots…

The last two weeks of my life have been so beyond painful. Since November I thought I had moved away from toxic people in my life, in January I found that wasn’t true and I had to leave yet another connection behind. I’ve been told that my closest and dearest connection was all a farse or some sort of delusion on my part. This was the only person in my entire life who (for whatever reason) I felt was safe enough to have a glimpse of my day to day struggles even letting them know some of what I endure taking care of Mom. I thought they would be a friend through the worst of things as they were never around during the best of things.

I’ve lost my home from lack of help because asking is incredibly painful for me. I really don’t care to keep trying. I have no feelings of hope or anything at all. I feel more alone, abandoned and more pain than I’ve ever felt even more than when I lost Dalilah with terror and dread and despair added to everything. I don’t care to try and help anyone muchless myself. All I ever wanted was to help people never feel like I did, alone, not for a second that was within my ability. My reach is limited but I wanted to try because I truly believed in the power we have as individuals to change things for the better, to leave things even a tiny bit better than how they were before our time traveling around our sun.

I see no future for SabiLewSounds even less than I saw before losing our home. I wanted to much more. I didn’t get a real chance to say goodbye, not with my friend (or illusion of friend), not my home, not my stream, not my YouTube. I took the time to make a reel and say what I could on my Discord server and I was flooded with questions about whether or not I was suicidal as if I haven’t been for months and no one took even a moment to notice then even when I explained all my red flags profusely many times when I was okay. Honestly, it hurts knowing I could disappear and then maybe someone might have an afterthought “is Sabi dead?”

I’m tired of hoping people care and it’s really not fair to those who actually do care and I have no way of gauging who actually cares because it seems someone can give you time, money and even things to make your life easier and still think you’re not worth a word of honesty or truth. I have no sense of reality right now as far as humans but it is whay it is. For now my bunny is with me, my mom has no idea who I am and is terrified and I’m just waiting for death. I don’t have hope or light to give myself muchless you but thank you for reading if you got through this.

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