I feel almost compelled to write at this moment, I have felt this way all week and I am not sure why. I’m beyond fed up with somethings. The apartment management refuses to really fix the AC claiming that it freezes over and doesn’t cool the apartment properly because I’m on the second floor… 🤣
To that I say
I don’t feel like traumatizing my family again as last night I finally had a goodnight so another hot and uncomfortable weekend it will be for now.
Now as some of you may or may not know from my recent post I started a Go Fund Me and some people have decided that instead of being helpful and, you know, sharing or donating they thought it was better to patronize me and send me links to government agencies that I have spent the last two years trying to contact for help… 😂
To that I say…
People in privilege and especially white people in my experience will keep spending their money on Starbucks or other luxurious and unnecessary bullshit instead of giving even $1 to someone in need.
What they give instead, because you know it seems we’re too ignorant to use a computer or so anything ourselves and that’s why we’re poor, disabled and brown (or whatever marginalized groups your in)… What they give instead because we’re inept and unintelligent and STUPID is wonderful unsolicited advice that NO ONE ever asked from them.
***Warning Incoming Ableism***
Dear rich white asshole,
Yes, when I ask for water of which you have an abundance what I’M REALLY ASKING OF YOU is a bag of hot air, why THANK YOU SO MUCH because before you came along, your honorable, all mighty, all knowing and all powerful super human being, before you came along I thought I was thirsty. It turns out I was wrong about being dehydrated and needing to quench my thirst. It turns out my CO2 expulsion is unworthy of doing ANYTHING helpful and I needed your MAGNIFICENT AND IMMACULATE lung waste to TEACH MY STUPID ASS that I don’t need water, no I need your useless tirade of bullshit.
Thanks -your local brown disabled moron
In case you’re wondering, yes, that was sarcasm!
I hate expressing these feelings because I have met many who do actually help, who don’t write me off with narcissistic bullshit as if they have done something to be proud of by giving me what they arrogantly assume I need while COMPLETELY IGNORING MY ACTUAL NEEDS and what i actually requested. If you’re one of the kind, caring and compassionate people who have ever helped me by listening to what I need and doing what you can within your means this message isn’t about you. You are the kind and compassionate people who seeks real connection.
Believe it or not there are people in the world who actually listen if you express a need or desire. I encourage you to keep using your voice and light and when these other type of people who only consume their own narrative in the world come about ignore them. Keep yourself grounded with reality. Have peace in knowing you’re a person with integrity, power and strength to do what you can in this world and there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help or working within your limits.
If you need help making ends meet, ask. If you need help being seen and heard by shining and glowing then share that video you made, share that painting you spent days making, share that blog you wrote, share that story you have in your heart. I can assure you those who are here to witness your beauty are out there. Those who are here to support you are out there.
Self advocacy is incredibly difficult for me because I was often met with this dismissive and narcissistic behavior that I’ve been ranting about here. Instead of genuine connection and respect I got shit on, belittled and used as a means to boost their fragile sense of self. I’m sick of it.
My brother told his wife that I had no job. I’m a fucking business owner! His wife pointed me to some random person who can “help you make a resume and find a job” FUCK YOU, I HAVE A JOB AND I HAVE ALWAYS FOUND A JOB WITHOUT YOUR USELESS INPUT. This really put me in a trauma response last month but you know what was the final straw to this fuckery and putting up with this in silence? Someone who I thought was a friend from my college days who has always been well off and living more than comfortably sent me a DM with a bunch of links to government agencies that I mentioned earlier in this post.
Have ANY OF YOU heard me ask or seen me write about needing contact information for a government agency or some random lawyer? Anyone? PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME OUT IN THE COMMENTS link me to a vlog or podcast or insta post or anything anywhere that I said that in anyway shape or form. Either I’ve dissociated so much that I have lost it completely or I NEVER ASKED FOR THAT BULLSHIT.
I’m fed up and anger is something I usually turn inward so I know this post might be a shock to some of you. This is something that many in my position run into time and time again. Instead of those who can help just simply helping they just shrug you off with crap you never asked about and pat themselves on the back as if to say “see I’m helping, I’m a good person.”
I’m disabled, I’m not useless. I’m in poverty, I’m not helpless. I’m a small business owner trying to grow her reach and help others know that they matter. I’m a creator and I create to feel like myself, to bring growth, healing and connection. If you’ve been in this place I see you, I hear you. I’m sorry if I have ever done anything similar to any of my friends. I’m trying to do better.
Sending you love and peace.