The Dread

365 days have never felt so daunting in my life, not that I can think of anyway. Usually I count a year’s time based on the first day I came to live on this planet, you know my birthday day. It’s a milestone that’s rough for me personally but it’s unattached to culture and traditions such as New Year’s and the like. That being said when I lost Dalilah, my emotional support bunny, last year my life just got turned upside down.

Since March 5th 2022 I feel like that’s all I can ever think about or talk about when I consider the passing of time and this week in particular has been one that I was anticipating with dread and I didn’t know how well my psyche would be holding up, especially since this time last year I had the pressures of having my bread and butter in the hands of someone who doesn’t give a shit if I end up in an institution or on the street without a home.

Last year I started working hard on pushing my brand as much as I could. Basically, I was working on exposure therapy. It’s helped to be honest. Announcing my videos on YouTube doesn’t make me shut down emotionally the way it used to, posting here and there on Instagram has been easier too. It’s not a cake walk, sure, but my body doesn’t have an instant trauma response the way it used to. For the most part my heart rate, brain fog, pain, general inflammation and everything that gets ignited when I have a trauma response doesn’t happen when I shout myself out the way it used to. I still have an undercurrent of negative self talk that I have to content with but I’m coping. Since the night my Dalilah collapsed last year there was an added layer of discomfort that I couldn’t quite grasp.

The night my girl turned for the worst (by the way I did talk about this on a reel on my Instagram account) I was working on content for my Soundcloud. For the past year I’ve just had a strange sense of guilt as if I caused her to take a turn for the worst. Up until last night I didn’t even realize in the chaos of this past year that I have been just letting it lurk beneath the surface. Last night I decided to try and do a little exercise for my mental health one that I knew I had tried before but I just kept assuming I didn’t try it again because of life being hectic.

You see, personally I have always felt connected to the moon in all its phases. Some of my friends practice full moon rituals. The skeptic in me is still apprehensive about my spiritual side because of the spiritual abuse I endured in my time when I considered myself a Christian. When I write about these things my intellectual side comes out and I kind of intelectualize everything and seperate myself from it. I think it reminds me of the days of my original blog that I can’t really breach when processing how I feel about it. That Sabi is still in the muck and mire of my mind, it just feels like I was a ghost of a person but really idealistic and in denial un-allowed to face my pain. Anyway, the point is, it’s hard for me to write about this. I think it’s important for my healing though.

March 2, 2022 there was a full moon and I had decided to have my personal ritual and write down some affirmations and manifest my dreams. You see writing down my intentions and speaking kindly of myself has really helped since my therapist first asked me to do so for therapy homework. One thing that I am still kind of ashamed I wrote about that night was a partner, one thing I asked about that I am not so ashamed of was to find a way to help the bunnies of the world lol. I think that was Little Sabi popping out. I wrote a song i.l.y., recorded it, uploaded it. I made a journal entry with a little drawing just asking for love to come into my life and for my business SabiLewSounds to really come into it’s full potential.

I felt so disgruntled with myself that I wrote a sister song i.h.y. that I proudly play and feels more like my present self.

March 5, 2022 around 1-2 AM I was working on the album art trying to push my boundaries because as I discussed in my last post here, my father sexualized me as a child so my sexuality has felt really taboo and I love that side of myself. That was when I heard Dalilah collapse in the living room and I ran to her side. Just a bit after I had finished the art and posted the song. Right now I don’t remember if I just went ahead and finished what I started and posted it that night or if I had it done right before she fell and I was promoting it as best I could back then. The one thing I do remember right now is that I have felt like it was my fault for having that moment of trying to advocate and affirm myself on a full moon. My body has remembered since then every time I looked at the full moon.

The full moon is known to signify the end of a chapter for some, the new moon is usually the beginning. I have been feeling like I forced the end of her life because I asked the universe for help to navigate this life less alone.

I felt like I was being punished because I took her love for granted. My body is often too tired to cook and clean and I really wanted a better life for her and my mom. Things are easier to navigate now that I am self employed, but my heart has been in so much pain. I try not to think about it but when I inevitable grow romantic feelings for a friend I do think how life might be simpler with an equal partner to balance the load of life. I don’t even really talk about it much except with close friends. It took a long time for me to even discuss those sort of things in therapy. As a trauma survivor there is a part of my heart that believes everything is my fault and that I am unworthy of such things. I enjoy my time alone, as an introvert so it’s not a super huge deal for me. As a demisexual romantic interests are tumultuous and risky I more often than not lose friends that way. Aside from the man I mentioned in my last post I’ve never been desired that I know of so I just leave it out of my stories. Talking about it so boldly, even privately in my own thoughts with the universe, felt wrong. When Dalilah got sick, it felt downright evil.

Last night for whatever reason I was moved to try to do a ritual again. I think it’s because on the past new moon, Feb 20th, I said a little prayer over some water and just wanted to anchor myself in gratitude and help my subconscious a little bit since I’ve been scared that I won’t make ends meet financially but I have never felt so free and at peace otherwise. I can spend time with my bun when needed, I can help Mom as she needs it. I can open my services up to others and also dive into my creative energy at will whenever I am ready but most importantly I can rest when I need to rest. I have journaled in the same book since I started therapy in Aug 2022. Since that night that Dalilah got really sick and eventually left me March 11, 2022, I haven’t been able to read what I wrote that day. When it was fresh I felt the heat of all my guilt heaped onto me it shook me deeply. After my Album release in Sept, I just stopped even looking at it, glazing over it with a feeling that it was probably just some entry about some “childish” crush I had on a friend back then because I only remembered I wrote a song that day that I never performed again. I just thought of it like one would think of a journal entry from your youth when you’re fresh to the world, barely know yourself and you cringe at the innocence in a cynical idea that now that you’re “old” you know better.

For whatever reason I finally let my guard down and read that entry again. I saw the little doodles I made and I was genuinely curious and hungry to remember who I was when I wrote it. In fact I didn’t even remember when it was I wrote it. I saw the date scribbled at the top of the sheet of printer paper that I ended up attaching into the book. It was as if back then the journal entry felt so fleeting and temporary that I didn’t even write it with the intent to keep it around. I looked at 03.02.22 staring at me in dark forest green ink and and suddenly I remembered how harshly I blamed myself for Dalilah suddenly being unable to walk that night. I don’t remember if I talked to my therapist about it but I think she would have told me how unrealistic it is to think I have that kind of ability. I’m not a Norse god, I’m not a super hero, I’m not magic. I’m just a human being. Oddly enough my trauma brain, who as some of you know I call Lizzie, lets my spiritual brain have a party with these ideas when they hurt me.

So after I read words and wishes from my past self I knew it was time to forgive myself for something that was never my fault and focus on celebrating the life of my little Dalilah and remember all the love we shared and I know that she is with me still. She changed my life forever. I will still miss her everyday but I do hope she’s taking care of me now.

This weekend on Saturday March 11, 2023 we will be raising funds in her honor for a bunny rescue on my Twitch channel. I hope you can join me.

Thank you for reading, I wish you love and peace.

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