I’m behind on so much right now. My music channel, my vlog, this here all off schedule. I haven’t connected with friends because I don’t know how safe it would be at the moment with some of them. My body had needed extra rest since I spent most of February and all of March barely eating. Yet with all that being said I still feel better than I would be working and slaving away for someone else.
For the first time I am doing work that feels exciting, fulfilling and when I’m done with a project I feel energized and content. Even with my own projects that aren’t for a client or friend I feel a difference in the vibe I have about it all. I’m not sure if it’s the exposure therapy my therapist has suggested as homework or if it’s my self worth growing but I look at my creations and feel accomplished, unashamed and think objectively “this is good.”
This time last year the company which I called “slave labor” was giving me hell for having cognitive issues and memory issues and refused to give me time off to work so I could self regulate and work at a normal capacity. My threshold of tolerance was way beyond it’s normal limits and on top of everything they added work that was not in the job description and they tried to punish me for asking them to accommodate that task.
I was thankful when they laid me off and scared of my future. I wanted to make SabiLewSounds finally work, finally take wings and fly and help others live their dreams as well.
When I contemplated making SabiLewSounds I wasn’t thinking of a small business. To be completely honest I was in a church setting which insisted on propagating more small churches within their system or web of churches. It seemed to make sense to me as a small group of people can actually know one another on a deeper level than a huge group of people just hearing one person usually a man tell them how to rule their lives.
Anyway the point isn’t them or why I thought the whole thing was okay. I felt deeply that I was meant to lead and encourage other creators, I hoped to become a mentor of sorts even though my whole life I never had a mentor myself. Actually, that was a driving factor as well because I know how it feels to be the only person upon which one can rely even for knowledge and learning and nurturing. I also hated seeing people give up a part of themselves (the ability to create) just because someone along the road told them it wasn’t good enough.
I am never sure if I struggle with feeling “good enough” but I know for a fact that others around me in my field do struggle. I have heard many who want to share their gifts with the world who believe they don’t have the proper tools or resources to do so. For example “I want to stream but I need a good camera and a good mic first.”
I have seen this first hand everywhere and as a sibling to this dilemma is once they convince their selves that their resources are sufficient they are paralyzed with the need for perfection and a polished result. When we are children and still trust a caregiver we don’t say to ourselves “this looks nothing like my family this sucks” nor do we think “this is so flat here ans sharp there and omg, you can’t understand me here, I need to sing this all over again.” Simply while a child lacks understanding of “art theory” or “industry standards” I don’t belive that is what holds most if us back.
What a child has at first in life is a lack of shame and a healthier sense of self worth than what many people have in adulthood after we are hurt or neglected. Specifically what was on my heart is creatives since so many if us have impossible standers set upon us. Most of us especially those in marginalized groups can’t get the same equipment and man power to do the things that are media at large.
Truly sites like YouTube and Twitch challenged these norms giving power to small creators with limited resources. I know a lot of people hate them because of what they seemingly have become but without them my voice is locked away again because of my poverty and disabilities.
So in 2015 I started SabiLewSounds thinking of so many people like teenage Sabi or young adult Sabi who felt herself tied and locked away far able to sing or shine the way Little Girl Sabi aches and longs to do.
I wanted to grow and bloom in public view putting my weakness and vulnerabilities out in the open for anyone to see. My hope was to encourage others, to encourage myself, knowing the true value in our creativity is not skill or resources or experience it’s simple our heart, spirit and existence living, breathing, showcasing a perspective that is ours alone and a gift to anyone who is in need of our light.
For seven years I have been thinking either I hadn’t started or I was severely failing. For years I thought I was a farce, a shame, a childish fool putting my family in danger for what I thought was a disgusting attention seeking behavior. That’s part of why it’s been so hard for me to ask for support, to ask for help, to share myself with the world.
Thanks to therapy and my own hard work, which my therapist gently and lovingly reminds me I do ever so often, I saw a glimpse of that glimmer of a memory far off in the distance feeling almost like a mirage in a dark void of fear and shame. I have struggled to find that dreamer.
I looked in the mirror and saw a liar.
I looked in the mirror and saw a fool.
I looked in the mirror and saw all the lies and pain that were placed on my shoulders by my father that was placed on him when he was young. I’ve been working to heal generations of pain within my own body and vessel to make way for my light and spirit to shine. I don’t know if it was cosmic timing or pure chance but my heeat was ready to see my true reflection.
After plunging into SabiLewSounds full time this year unplanned, unexpected but ready to give it my all no matter what happens, I met a beautiful human being on Instagram. Her name is Zoey, an entrepreneur coach for disabled business owners. Shd held a free class that I have been attending this month and because of her knowledge and gifts I have been able to look in the mirror and see something new.
Finally, a self I have thought was way beyond my reach, a dream within an impossible dream, because of whatever worldly measure telling me I am failing because I am worthless or I never started because I am weak and a coward… Finally, I looked in the mirror and witnessed the self I have dreamed of being since I was a little girl. My reflection is clear, unmuddied, embracing my faults but more importantly seeing my strengths and skills and what I have to offer. All of me, the real me, in full view in the warmth of the sun and moon light.
SabiLewSounds is right where she is meant to be and will continue on that road as I am a warrior fighting through the muck and mire.
I hope to bring you hope but also as always love and peace today.
Thank you so much for reading.
Connect with Zoey Schvan here.