Radio Silence…

March 11, 2022 my life changed forever. I have been meaning to make a vlog about it… I’ve been meaning to write a post here… It’s been a year since I posted here, I believe.

I have talked about it on my podcast many times, and it feels like too many times. To be honest everything about me, in this moment, feels like too much. It’s been more than two months, actually 11 weeks and 1 day since I lost my girl.

I lost my emotional support bunny Dalilah that Friday. It all went by very fast. I was planning to celebrate 7 years of having her in my life on May 4th. I wanted to make a video with photos and clips of her beauty and talk about the blessing she has been in my life. Now it hurts too much to even look at photos of her, though I have several all around my home now, but every time I have come to try and say something here I see the posts from when she got sick in 2019 and it breaks my heart.

Everything felt empty… it all still feels empty

I feel like that is all I think about sometimes. My day job seems more and more pointless especially since I didn’t get to spend time with her because I was constantly being micromanaged while she was ill. I knew my time with her was limited when she got sick shortly after turning 7 years old. When she was a baby (she was almost a year old when I rescued her) I kept thinking and saying “I’m going to take care of her well so she lives to be 15.” That’s what all the good bunny owners say that when treated well bunnies live 13-15 years.

Of course not all those bunny owners aren’t fighting poverty, disabled nor dealing with the things I had to deal with for 4 of those 7 years. Nonetheless, when she didn’t make it to her 8th birthday all the pain of what my life is vs what I am fighting for it to be came barreling down on me. I felt like my dreams were stolen from me. I will never have a life where she and I can have whatever time we want together, whenever for as long as we want or need. She would beg for pets while I was working. It broke my heart to not be able to just take a moment and love her for even 15 minutes. Now every time I sit at my desk or even look at that computer I remember she was forced to be second always waiting for affection and my time, now my heart feels that I have become my father and I just want to give up.

Everywhere that I don’t measure up is on my mind 24/7. Through what feels like happenstance I came to rescue another bunny and it all feels too familiar for comfort. How will I feed him, how will I manage his litter box, how will I keep him safe? It’s all too much worse this time around because his personality is a lot more curious and my time is a lot more limited to help him get adapted to life with Mom and I and much worse is I don’t have Mom to help me teach him boundaries. She is no longer herself and losing Dalilah makes me fear the day I will fully lose Mom and here I am alone with all of this.

When I rescued Dalilah it was out of obligation because I felt like the best option. To this day I feel like I was the lesser of two evils. The feeling persists with my little man who I took in less than a month after losing Dalilah because I couldn’t sleep not knowing what would happen to him, not knowing where he was sleeping, what hr was eating, how alone he may or may not have been… Despite my friend who knows at least a little about bunnies being the one caring for him. She has a lot going on and even she knew he wasn’t getting the care he should. I feel like he still isn’t in the right hands.

Every day I am spent from the moment I wake to the moment I can stop slaving away to make money that still isn’t making ends meet. Every weekend when I have time to play with him I can barely get out of bed. I’m getting migraines weekly again… I am having trauma responses weekly and getting 0 accommodations and little sympathy from work while I am still not okay. This heartless world expects a disabled traumatized woman to just “suck it up” when a crucial part of my sanity was just stripped away from me. I never got time to grieve properly. I haven’t been given the time to adjust to a new life with my new emotional support bunny.

I asked for accommodations and their response was a joke. I was hopeful for this job a year ago but in the last two months their true colors have shown. Sadly, I need stability in my life to not lose it but while I feel stuck the way I do right now I equally lose it but it eats away at me bit by bit. What I need is to be able to live my life by my needs instead of bending over backwards to fit in a mold that is far from who I am.

The issue is how, I suppose. Sure I joke with friends about sugar daddies and whatever but what I really want is to learn that I have a lot to offer to this world and what I want is to have income from what truly feeds my heart and soul. I was meant for more than this. So many of my friends who have similar battles are meant for more than this. There is nothing wrong with a “9-5” job but I will never fit in that place, I will never be able to shrink my heart away and be okay in that life. It is killing me.

Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope you know that your hopes and dreams are worth fighting for no matter what you or your past or anyone else says to you. Fight for your dreams, fight for your truth, fight for what feeds your soul, fight for your light to shine through. It might feel like I feel now, like you’ve hit a rock and can’t reach beyond this moment but that is far from true. I felt that way when I started this website, I felt that way when I started many of my on going projects like YouTube, Twitch etc, but at least I fan say that in the last four years I have shed toxic work places, toxic relationships and have gained beautiful people who inspire me to keep fighting, keep growing and keep loving with all my heart, and finally offer some of my love to myself.

You and your dreams matter, don’t give up and don’t try to make them look like someone else’s dreams.

Wishing you love and peace.

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