I haven’t posted in a very, very long time. I am sitting on my laptop racking my brain because it has been such a long time since I had the ability to create anything (in any sense) on my computer and this has very recently changed. As recently as a few days ago, actually. I really have lost the sense of time as I have been really drained for various reasons. I think my new hard drive came in on Monday, and I actually have seating in my home and soon I won’t have to sit on the floor in the living room, once I build the love seat that is.
Nonetheless, I can now make vlogs again, I can create music videos for my YouTube channels and I can make probably more interesting streams on Twitch. I can make crazy weird music like I used to and post it on Soundcloud and what am I doing instead? Lurking in a pal’s stream and dumbfound. Planning somewhat feels silly since most of my streams are lonely as well as few and far between. I want to share my heart though.
Maybe I have lost a sense of self. Maybe I am just scared and in shock that a huge obstacle is now gone and life in general feels chaotic. We all know what’s going on these days with “self quarantines” and “social distancing” and crown bugs (lol that is what I call this thing we’re all dealing with right now) floating around. I am not sure if that is the issue however as I am really having life as usual.
I am not working from home. I didn’t lose my job. I have always been a homebody and my friends are all long distance connections via the interwebs. Maybe I am having a hard time being grateful or maybe it’s my anxiety waiting for everything to fall out from under me in the blink of an eye.
Four years ago I was struggling to get a meal. Four years ago I was trying to start my career as a musician and my computer failed me. Four years ago I was so sure of what I wanted from my music and my art and my writing and etc that I didn’t want to give up no matter what. The truth is that after such a long time fighting to survive I am not sure if I even remember how to live and dream.
Perhaps today my journey to dreaming begins again. I wrote a new song almost a week ago. I have yet to share it. I am struggling to even get out of bed these days but I am told this is how depression is sometimes. I am scared to be as hopeful as I was four years ago but I want to try.
If you’re reading this as a friend or a part of my tiny community, “small but mighty” as I say, I hope to build dreams and hopes with you. I know some of you fight mental health things like I do, I know some of you fight poverty like I did (or do?) and I know someone you have chronic health things that you deal with everyday. I hope you know that I think of each of you often and I am always wishing you the best.
I think that four years ago my dream was to find you and to pour my art whether it’s music or drawings or writing into you and it has been a blessing to get to know you along the way. I am often quiet with my feelings because sharing them scares me beyond belief. I hope to grow with you all day by day and hopefully build the community I always dreamed of seeing. I am sorry I rarely reach out. I am still recovering from what I call “empathy abuse.” A story for another place and time. I am sorry that I don’t say what’s on my heart about how very special and beautiful you all are. Trust me without many of you I think I would have given up long ago. Whether it’s simple laughs while sharing memes, streams, games or just chatting about life and such it has been a source of life for me.
This past year you all helped me save my little bunny. You helped me move out of a toxic apartment and into a place where my family can be secure and have real food and cook and share real meals instead of fast food. You all helped me upgrade my equipment and work around set backs to keep doing what I love. It might seem like nothing, but to me it means more than anything. As I was telling a friend just now, it’s weird… I am picking up where I left off four year ago. The thing is I am not the same person which is good. I mean, I hope I am a better version of me from four years ago but the point is… I have no idea where to start to pick up the sticks of my old projects and aspirations. Perhaps I can just start over in a sense. Time for a reset button, or a reboot right?
Anyway, thank you for reading, love and peace to you as always.
Please take some time to check out some awesome streamers that I follow (this list is not all inclusive just like a top ten-ish):