I crashed the server again, oops…
I got over zealous and pushed a whole bunch of content to my media library and caused a tiny little melt down. You will hear more about that later the whole thing actually bolstered me into making a vlog so stay tuned for that nugget of (avoids self deprecating words and comments…) Sabi.
Yesterday, I took a drive to help Mom and myself have some time closer to nature and time for me to take in music and nature. It often helps me feel like I can breathe away from everything that reminds me of the despair I’m constantly feeling. As I was out I was thinking about my past and things that I never had room to process when I was working for someone else.
I wrote this down at a red light:
It took 16 years to form the deepest wounds of my heartSabi in the car
It took me 21 years to even know what it meant a little
24 years later the wounds still bleed
Up until this past year of being a full-time caretaker for Mom and a full-time small business owner I never let it sink in that the first time and the last time my father seemed excited about my birthday (instead of his) was when he was collecting money (by skipping out on all our bills) to abandon us all. I never grasped that he only did kind things for me when he was feeling guilty.
As I’m writing this I wonder if that adds to my general discomfort and honestly some distrust when people are kind to me. TAM and now even my ex-therapist have only added to the fears with their love-bombing and betrayal. I often feel if people are kind there’s a catch or they’re pitying me or they’re hiding something like guilt. Years of spiritual abuse adds to that too.
It’s no wonder why I feel ashamed when I need to self advocate. I am more than sure it’s deeper than just thay but it all piles up. I’m wondering if the year I turned 16 and I later learned that my father was screwing my family over financially (a hole from which I’m still fighting to get out) is the year I started consciously feeling that my life doesn’t matter, not enough to be celebrated or loved or appreciated.
I have felt like a burden, an annoyance, an inconvenience, a pet no one asked to take in. Usually, my brother would get gifts on my birthday. Usually, there was “no money” because of Christmas, where my brother got expensive video games and gaming systems and I got clothes and trinkets that I didn’t care about nor feel seen. Usually, no one put any thought into my gifts of I got gifts at all. Mom took advantage of my birthday as a way to get me clothed because at the beginning of the school year my father would make a scene every time we started shopping for me. It was a time for her to get me special clothes for me but often nothing else was allowed.
I’m 9 days away from living 4 decades on this earth and only now do I feel safe to even keep mentioning my birthday. To me it marks a new year more than arbitrary calendar years that are constructed by this society, a society that leaves the poor, the disabled and the planet in constant survival mode.
For me, “New Year’s Day” means nothing.
When a life is born into this plane all of us are changed. It’s a new combination of molecules and energy that vibrates 100% uniquely to any other being in the universe within the dimensions we can measure. No two beings are alike be they plant or animal. I believe that’s worth putting time and thought aside to be thankful and appreciative of what that life can teach us about ourselves and the universe at large. It’s probably my lingering theistic ideology/faith/belief system but for me everything around me has weight and a lesson to share about creation and the creator or the big bang, whatever you believe or understand or perceive.
Am I not worth being appreciated? Most of the time I don’t believe I am. I want to believe as much as I believe in you reading this whenever and wherever you are, that the world needs you, the universe has been blessed and changed because of how your DNA and atoms manifested into this existence.
I’m thinking of writing something everyday to share until my birthday. Hoping with all my being that I can keep creating for us and have my needs met so my family is safe. I have a Ko-fi page where you can help by sharing or tipping or commissioning me etc and I also have a GoFundMe floating around.
Until tomorrow, when I birth a new video and stream on Radio Free Fedi wishing you love and peace.