High pain levels, more bullying and struggling to sleep less than 12 hrs a day, my usual need is 6.5 hrs, the day started off slow until I heard we had some dangerous weather settling in.
It’s 19:07 ET and it seems the danger has passed.
Per usual, I also continually get unsolicited advice instead of a simple share. I don’t know if this is good to help me learn to feel and potentially express anger. It’s something I continually struggle to execute. I worry that if I share how unsolicited advice makes me feel then I will get punished for it, like I won’t get the help I am hoping to receive, like I “deserve” to suffer, like it’s why I’ve got a small support network.
Tomorrow will be the 1st day of my 40th trip around the sun. Part of me felt like the storm today was symbolic of my 39th year. This time last year I was weeping over the first birthday without my emotional support bunny, Dalilah, frozen with fear of losing my new emotional support bunny because he had surgery scheduled a few days later.
Today, I can’t get past feelings of dread and fear about losing my home. The usual feelings about being alone and forgotten on my birthday kind of just fade into the sea of chaos. I’ve spent my nights gaming, I’ve spent my days trying to get out of bed while trying to reach out to as many resources as I can when I have the capacity met with closed doors or silence.
I suppose I’m used to it but these last few months I’ve had friends with me for the good and the bad even if the good seems rare and tiny in comparison. Right now, I’m thinking of the latest “comment” on FB, it’s always FB where I get the most ignorant, ablist and elitist comments telling me bullshit that I already know as if ai haven’t been battling poverty for more than half my life.
Today someone who I know for a fact is completely well off instead of helping with a tip, instead of helping with a share since she seems to think I’m a useless idiot decided to tell me some bullshit information. She took the time to write out some asshole comment that does nothing instead of hitting the share button and probably didn’t even read what I’ve been sharing for months.
Honestly, I wanted to tell her to fuck off. I wanted to tell her I know more than the bullshit she was shilling, I wanted to call her out for ignoring the fact that I asked for no unsolicited advice, calling her out for not helping at all but I just deleted the comment. Seriously though, fuck her and fuck all the asshole people like her and the othet dick head who asked if I planned to ask for help next month.
Moving on from the cunts and assholes and dicks, I had my first sale from my Ko-fi Shop today and it was my music. A kind fediverse citizen bought all three of my albums that are available. It was such a nice surprise today to open my email and see a sale and that it was my music. All of me wishes I could take the time and energy to create more instead of trying to survive.
I also had several generous tips over the past week and kind friends sharing my needs to try and get me help, kind friends giving me their time making me feel seen and heard and for that I am thankful. I really hope that this storm passes, I really hope that soon I can start creating and being who I am meant to be. Until then, thank you for fighting along side me in this dark time.
Wishing you love and peace.