This calendar year has been a roller-coaster, I feel like I keep saying that everywhere. The highs and lows have been unexpected and exhausting but I believe I feel a little bit of peace for now.
Within minutes yesterday morning I went from trying to share my feelings of shame, confusion and grief to a full stop at the edge of the cliff of despair. My anonymous tipper, aka The Universe, reached out to ask how my needs could be met just because of my post on Mastodon.
They moved somethings around and suddenly I was out of danger, again, and the feeling of relief hit me again. It was all as I was writing to you all. They said to me again and again that they weren’t able to do this a lot, which I know and would never expect, but their main goal was to help me hold on to hope.
Hope is what I have wanted to give to others even as I struggle to grasp onto that feeling myself most days as I navigate trauma responses and dysregulated days or weeks or months.
I’ve wondered if I have any right to try and offer something I can’t quite cling to myself or is it some kind of arrogance to think I could be that powerful or useful to anyone.
As I was navigating yesterday since my birthday I have been wanting to hide. It’s been a mixed bag of embarrassment as tech issues hit me as I was trying to write a blog that morning (actually they’re outing me again as we speak as the image I just added triggered a notification to Mastodon), I think the worst of that was that it hit me where I’m weakest especially right now.
I’ve felt hideous and grotesque ever since I dealt with a married man who groomed me going from telling me I’m a “super model” (which made me uncomfortable as I felt I was put on some weird pedestal) to then later tell me he wasn’t even attracted to me in the first place. All along, I suppose, I was just used to stroke his ego while all along I thought we had love.
Romantic love is something I don’t seek out, I don’t date, I don’t care to “look” for anyone but from time to time I run into humans who ignite those feelings. It makes me scared, it awakens a deep sense of shame and pain inside me as I had never felt wanted and the brief time I did ended up reveling itself as an intricate web of abuse. On top of my father and brother slut shaming me it’s a lot to navigate. I often feel it’s best to hide myself away when these feelings start to bloom. My male family made me feel like that part of me is disgusting, sinful and toxic.
I tried to ignore the weight of shame that day and as other things pricked my heart through out the day I started feeling worthless and disposable. Before the stream I was anticipating a void lacking all interaction and mentally prepping for the blackhole of despair and pain to consume me as it often has on my birthday. The pain has echoed through my bones since childhood and that’s why for the 9 days leading up to my birthday I wanted to share my story hoping it would help anyone out there feel less alone with these kind of mental attacks from trauma.
It’s always on the eve of the new calendar year that the fears seep into my soul. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, too ashamed to talk about my hopes and dreams and wishes. I wonder if I have a right to be cherished, to be celebrated or to be loved. My love feels like poison.
For the last 8 years I have felt ugly and disgusting, something I never faced while looking in the mirror. My mom always telling me I’m beautiful as I was growing up in little songs or comments or the many times she defended me against my father’s body shaming. For him I was always too thin, too skinny, too fat, too sexy, too sickly, too broken, too much reality.
I went to bed still feeling the same even as I was showered with kindness as my friend promoted my stream so much before hand that I had older friends along side the new Radio Free Fedi friends, even as during the stream my Kofi goal was blown out the water and even as I spent the rest of the night enjoying my time with another friend joking and gaming… I was still hiding myself.
I woke up feeling so many contradicting feelings then it got worse as I calculated what I actually had and what needs still needed to be met and the bullying messages from Instagram started in on a negative feedback loop to haunt me, “are you going to do this next month too,” as if I’m not treading water already, as if my fears aren’t causing me to bleed out, as if I don’t hate my body and mind enough already for being disabled…
My self love is already so soft, tender and fragile as it is…
The more I fight to self advocate the weaker and more fragile it feels. I’m tired of fighting. I grew silent making half hearted posts “trying to try” as I feel so alone with the weight of everything I face just to say “I need help” after days of crying out “does anyone care that I even exist?” Would any life be changed for better or for worse for my presence?
I feel arrogant when I fight for my dreams because I want to bring light and life and love into this world. I want to change it for the better, I want to be hope in the doubt, strength in the darkness, healing in the pain. I want nothing more than to bring beauty and power to those like me, like Mom, like my friend Salt.
Some of my closest friends I question often because I don’t think they want me around. I feel I have nothing for them. So I fight to believe I am wanted or needed, so when I saw I still landed short from safety I felt like saying so would discredit everyone’s efforts so far, like my joy the night before was foolish and stupid. I wanted to fade away and let everyone think I was okay to stop being burden.
Hesitantly, I pushed against this feeling and hidden from everywhere but my usual promo spot (insta) I quietly mentioned my needs. Yesterday, I managed to gain the strength to throw my voice out a little further, and within seconds the universe answered through the fediverse.
So here I was still trying to catch my breath and gather my thoughts and sort through my trauma responses enough to try and be as regulated as I could and I was again in shock, again I was leaning into a life preserver gasping for air from my mind and past.
Am I okay?
No… Physically I still need another $220 to cover car insurance before they overdraft my account.
Emotionally, I’m still hiding within my self, dysregulated and afraid so much that I can’t even be myself around the friend who usually feels the safest mostly because I’m ashamed of how they make me feel. I still have a fog of negative beliefs making it impossible to navigate who I am or who I want to be and I just want to rest.
That being said, I have hope and I’m sitting by it’s warm glow slowly gaining as much strength as I can muster so I can rise and fight again leaning into what I know to be true, light and love are somewhere deep within me as all of creation has taught me and reminded me they have beauty and worth and just for existing not trying to earn or erase any part of themselves.
You have beauty and worth as you are at any given moment, even through the times you were taught differently.
I have worth and beauty even if it feels like I don’t.
A tree is a tree majestic and tall and started as a seed deep within the soil and in their silence they sing of wonder and joy and peace.
You are not alone and deserve love and peace and kindness.
Sending as much of that as I can from here.