I have lost a friendship recently, actually a few in the last year or so. I’m struggling with self isolation while I’m in dire need of support. I have severe trust issues.

I don’t know what real intimacy should be or could be. With that I see the thoughts and ideas around “validation” and it turns my insides.

One of my most toxic connections used to accuse me of needing constant external validation. Knowing myself well a big part of me knew this was a lie. He manipulated and (maybe) gaslighted me into believing I was “clingy” and “needy” since I was his supply he knew this was how he could rope me in. I didn’t need him, I never needed him nor his validation. He knew that reality would make me just walk away because he was a married man who groomed me into a situationship.

He knew that me thinking I was “too much” and in “constant need of validation” that it hit my core wounds of shame and burden and it would keep me there as his toy to boost his ego. I struggled with the right side of this graphic from Dr. Patrick Teahan. I probably still do.

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I’ve always been self sufficient – I was forced to be. My greatest struggle has been to ask for help, to be vulnerable, to be soft. My father made sure of making this seem dangerous and evil.

This blog post started as an Insta reel. I hate it there these days. Another thing I hate is the thought of “intimacy” it seems too close for comfort, too unsafe and if I am honest too muddled by “romance” and the capitalist take on “love.” I hate being close to others. My attachment trauma forces me to reject everyone and when I let people in I’m scanning for signs that it’s “too good to be true.”

One may wonder why. Especially since losing my emotional support bunny, Dalilah, many friends who I called “soul siblings” abandoned me and one of them accused me of being a terrible person chasing me down to say so in my Twitch whispers after I blocked them on Discord because I was actively suicidal and I didn’t want to give energy to a long time toxic situation.

I struggle with this so much because I am a queen for giving grace and understanding. Part of what TAM used against me is my perpetual understanding of others lives though he constantly said I was “clingy” by saying I didn’t “respect his real life” knowing it stung worse by implying how trivial our connection was to him. I wasn’t “real” I was just some tou to him.

I give grace because I logically know, as a person who has been a full-time caretaker and in the past was a full-time student and a full-time worker (briefly both at one time), as well as chronically ill, chronically in pain and always varying in spoons… I know that sometimes we have no time or energy to give;×sometimes we forget things that matter to us, even things essential to our well-being.

For anyone needing this, did you take your meds, did you brush your teeth, have you gotten away from the PC/phone to stretch your body a bit?

TAM loved to shove this in my face all the time and to this day if I lose track of time having fun with a friend my nervous system remembers the shame and guilt he piled onto me. My mind races through memories of him saying I was trying to take over or ruin his life, that I would push him and his family into ruin and poverty by making him lose his job if he was tired or sleepy, or die driving if he would nod off “because of me.” He would punish me by disappearing for days, weeks months after these kind of discussions. He was capable of setting boundaries and saying what capacity he had or didn’t have but he expected me to overfunction and do this for him.

Often in hopes of building something stronger because I was delusional and thought a secure attachment would make him gain some self worth I would try to express my boundaries even deep in a trauma response. Afyer the silence I would be reserved, contained, trying desperately not to “overwhelm” him knowing he would shut down immediately if I would show even a bit of my pain. He would immediately attack saying I was being “cold” and “manipulative.” I would set boundaries saying I need him to express his capacity so that I can respect his time, energy etc everything he constantly threw in my face. He would start saying I was being “controlling” and expecting him to be a “mind reader” and so much word salsd that I was left reeling in confusion. I had no idea what was up or down or what my needs were or how I could pull myself back into just a friendship with this person who’s life mattered to me, especially with direly instilled fear of his depression since he made it a point to show his easily accessible method of exiting this world soon after talking about his suicidal ideation.

Suicide prevention has mattered to me for longer than I can remember. Sadly, I give more grace and overfunction in friendships when I know they have that tendency as I dom sadly this might be what has kept me strung into some toxic one sided friendships. I keep checking in long after I know it’s over maybe while knowing it was never started. I don’t want to leave even a selfish, self centered person behind in the dark. Because I know the weight of that pain and solitude I never want to cease my vigilance. I give grace wondering if like me they shut down the most when they’re wanting to disappear.

Last August while I was working on my album release and this website I was in the throws of this trauma response loop. My therapist then made it all about the upcoming move and ignored my needs to explore my emotional flashbacks. It was muddled by the fact that time had passed from two of my perished friendships and a new friendship caught in the cross fire with something feelings being too raw, too reminiscent of my unhealed past and incredibly intense. All while giving excuses for the voices that had long left me to the wayside.

“It’s okay…” I said, “they have a lot going on.” Honestly, though I have constantly had a lot going on and I still promoted my fellow creators, I still gave from the little I had to those who expressed needs, I still tried and kept trying to cultivate mutual reciprocal care and love and kindness and light. Today I’m angry. I am pissed that I let my friends suffer the consequences of the pseudo friendships I allowed in my life. I’m pissed that I don’t have the strength to just block and delete those fake ties once and for all. I am ashamed that I still have toxic hope and I’m still overfunctioning while they’ve long made it through their times of struggle. I’m going through a lot too and for years, decades, NO ONE CAME LOOKING FOR MY WELL BEING, but I still kept a pilot light on for others who might need to find their way back home.

For now I’ve swung the pendulum because after decades of overfunctioning I am tired and weak and feeling exhausted every fucking day for every fucking hour of my life. It hurts because I’m back where I always was  self reliance. I wish I could believe in community care more.

I’m the only one I seek.

I share my story to help others feel less alone.

Wishing love and peace

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