Titles n Stuff

The world has been in pain for years. I guess a lot of people don’t care until it hits home. I talked about this a bit on my last podcast but I never feel like I have enough words for everything that rolls around in my head.

Sometimes, I get upset with myself when I worry more about immediate issues in my life, as in the ones that seem most influential to my brain chemistry while my home falls apart, while all my energy is exhausted on just doing the most basic bit of existing. I see my friends who do many things and feel as if I could never explain this feeling, this lack, this constant raging battle for my survival.

I don’t want them to understand because you’d have to live with chronic mental health issues and/or physical health issues to even understand a bit maybe. I’m glad you are okay my friend and if you’re not I hope you can find peace, resilience, strength and rest.

I had a long weekend planned out to put my life back together a bit. Alas, my body after only 2 fights with my emotional fear response decided to shut everything down and let my brain become a swollen mess of pain or??? Is it the lack of good food? The lack of peace and time to rest? The lack of safety? Who knows.

I don’t.

I am trying to be kind to myself while everywhere I once felt safe feels like an attack. Am I no longer wanted there, was I ever really wanted there?

Maybe the self I let them see was okay there… Not the real me. She hides and I don’t expect anyone to come find her, not even myself anymore.

Still as women in the US have been robbed of autonomy over our own bodies, after years of a pandemic and years of hearing people talk as if the world has only been in shambles now I ache. For decades we have had poverty, racism, sexism, trauma and abuse and countless others running rampant.

My whole life I have seen bad things happening while “good” people sit and do nothing because we are all trying to survive. I am desperate to get my basic needs met so I can actually fight for the earth that cries around me. It overwhelms me because while I fight for a meal I see billions of people in pain and I feel useless.

That’s the “joke” isn’t it. While all those out of power fight to just survive we cannot stand up to those who struggle to remain in power. We are all just animals fighting to survive whole also believing we are above them. My bunny’s needs, in my opinion, should not be less than nor greater than my own still if I cannot care for myself I cannot care for him. Still it all hurts.

As I see people without shelter, food, water… As I see my friends healing from years of someone else not knowing how to cope with their own pain and raising them despite it all. The idea that more children will be born into this existence, this generational cycle if abuse haunts me.

Here I am saying what feels like too much everywhere I go. Crying out because this whole thing feels like a huge slap in the face of everything I have been fighting for, for years. What good is music now? What good is advocating for mental health now? A huge tsumani has awoken in the ocean if pain I have seen for years. I fear it will consume us all but why so much dread? The pain was always here. It never left… It has gotten a second wind I suppose.

My drop seems so much smaller and weaker now.

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