Tempted

Sometimes I hate getting reminded of why I have trust issues. I hate getting reminded of why I wrote songs like “Magic” and “Ride or Die” and “i.h.y.”

Sometimes I remember I have faced so much betrayal that when my new therapist is shocked that I tried therapy again so soon and she asks “why” part of me feels, “because I’m a naive POS moron I suppose.”

Why bother connecting? The past few days I’ve been contemplating if it’s healthy to reject any bit of external validation. When people happen to find out about my self worth issues and my tendency to fawn or even my distress when losing a connection or finding out that someone I kept close is actually toxic they always give the same beatitudes of “self love is the best love” and “you shouldn’t base your opinion of yourself on what others think.”

I get so fucking tired of hearing this. The truth is I always have a fairly healthy view of myself but that part of me gets dissociated and wrapped up in a mind fuckery when I’m in a trauma response. When I fawn I hear the real me screaming “this is not okay” but my nervous system takes over and does what she thinks will keep me safe, me and everyone I love. It’s a constant dichotomy battle in my psyche. Honestly, I don’t trust anyone and all of me prefers solitude. I often wonder if I just use humans to distract myself.

I connect with other animals and even trees more readily. My rabbit has never betrayed me, grown tired of me, pitied me etc. Often my self worth issues come into play when I’m trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. “Oh he’s just busy…” comes to mind or, “she’s probably having a rough time…” Thus I continually have times where I combat the part of me that says, “Actually, he’s probably just tired of you and he’s too spineless to just say so…” with a million maybes.

The distress is I tried to tell myself again and again that there is good in others but 90-99% of the time the goodness fades or was just a facade. TAM being a great example, when I would tell myself he’s not worth my time I would feel cruel and like I’m demonizing a complex human being.

As time goes by and I’m consistently the main person putting efforts into friendships I don’t care to keep trying after a while.

It hurts…

It hurts because when the trauma response is winning and I want to disappear no one comes looking. When I can’t even try anymore it’s assumed that I am just busy. Humans mean too much for me to leave them in the wind and the unknown. At the same time I hate humans for what they are doing to this planet and each other and all the beings who share this soil.

Sometimes I feel I love myself too much. I fear I am the darkest sides of my father lurking about among kind humans. I don’t want people to validate me, help me, need me nor want me. I don’t want to want or need anyone either.

I read that healthy humans are meant to be in community, that we are built this way. I also know that I can’t sit with the thought that some stranger might feel so alone and so burdened by life or in such pain or despair that they give up. I hate it because I have lived it and I don’t enjoy thinking someone out there feels alone, unloved, unseen, unheard.

Many times I worry that I have hurt someone beyond repair or that they have grown to be fed up with who I am. My initial gut response; well fuck them, who needs them anyway? I am always pushing those feelings down, try to find balance and think of valid reasons for whatever odd change in behavior. I could easily ask, yes, but TAM and many others taught me those moments will be used against you, or me I should say.

Today, away from my old therapist, I choose to just let things fade. I’m tired. I’m tired of asking for my life to be sustained, I’m tired of asking if plans will stay the same, I’m tired of letting things just be seemingly ignored. Sometimes we just fuck up and if that’s the case why bother anyone with having to tolerate me?

Maybe that’s what mixed signals mean. I’m not sure, but as broken as I feel to say it, I’ve never needed or wanted anyone. Friends come and go and 99% of mine have been just fake whatever connections probably to fill in time or stroke some wound or ego, who knows. I don’t trust love, kindness or care from others it’s always a lie.

Honestly, I’m facing eviction and I’m tired of holding up friendships. Let them burn away. I always make more. History has meant something to me before but now I don’t care.