Many moons ago I set up this website, oh wow my own domain and everything run on my own server with a magical virtual machine that has Linux and can host this ethereal branch of my soul that you’re visiting right now on the interwebs.
So the VM set up was way over my head and because of my lack of working memory because of my ever present survival mode from poverty and my CPTSD I needed to be walked through the process and I also need a paper trail to follow should it be needed to be done again or accessed or anything at all!!!
So this stink bug I knew was the one who gave me this whole idea and info and had access to lead me through it all blah blah blah. I was excited, I could spread my wings away from the wordpress.com pay walls and make my magical little void of the interwebs whatever I wanted it to be!!!
That being said, because of said poverty and just being (at the time) fully self employed only a few months, just barely having shed an abusive creepy groomer type human as a client and working for another abusive human type (pssst my now extherapist) I knew, I kneeeew, I KNEW IN MY deepest most DEEP GUTS, that I needed a backup plan to access my VM and all the things without the stink bug – but alas in his incel-vibe-white-savior-type value set mr. Stink bug was all like “nah babe, you got me for life, babe, I’ll be here for you, babe” in some more Neuro-Non-Conforming covert groomer type of language and while my then therapist was using me for cheap slave labor I ignored my intuition and was like ok, that’s fine I guess…
I knew the stink bug would ghost me, I knew someday something would go wrong. Well that day was TODAY…
And where is the stink bug you might ask? Well friends, fans, haters, stalkers, fam and all… He ghosted me the day I became homeless almost two years ago now. Part of me wondered back in Sept 2023 if the action of moving my “official” website from WordPress.com to this… this here would have me tethered to this nervous-system-activating stink bug for life but you see this is the beauty of community.
It didn’t…
I never have to expose myself to a past abuser ever. I never have to open myself up to someone who disrespects boundaries and tries to blur them either just for an illusion of connection or a connection that makes me dishonor myself or makes me silence myself or snub out some part of my spirit. I can burn down bridges, I can destroy any version of myself that doesn’t believe me or witness the real me and I can rise from the ashes knowing my real connections will find the new me and love me as much or more than that old version of myself.
Even if having no idea where I will lay my head tomorrow, even if I don’t know where I will get my next meal nor when, even if my dreams, hopes and the very essence of my existence all hang by a thread as I say goodbye to the only person who has loved me my entire life (since I was in her womb) – even if all that is true I find myself again and again in the rubble, in the shame, in the bits and pieces of my self harm and self loathing that stem from knowing I deserve better.
Because at the end of the day no matter what I’ve endured I rise from the ashes and start anew. My loved ones are those who honor me through every rebirth. This chosen family is holding me through the darkness and they’re not afraid of pain or darkness either – we’re well acquainted and no amount of anti-Blackness will make them fear darkness or death even if I carry it within my bones.
It takes me a long time to reload, reboot, rebirth but I am never scared of death.
I am Phoenix, I will rise.
So my friend DMT fixed my site and I’m struggling to even keep trying to do this SabiLewSounds thing but I’m trying, I will keep trying, because I know love is needed in this world riddled with pain.