Keeping Up

It feels like I am hiding but I have little grasp that from which I am hiding.

My guitar is collecting dust. My home is a mess mostly because I don’t really feel safe to take out the trash and the fact that the landlord refused to unclog our second toilet just makes me hate waking up even more than I usually do.

Everything before this line was written Nov 7th, 2022… I forget what happened, maybe Mom needing help, something with work, a message from a friend? I vaguely remember getting scared and discouraged and the feeling that I don’t deserve to be seen or heard or use anyone’s time was heavy and awful.

I believe I started the post to promote my new Kofi page? Actually, that might have been the post before this last one that never got published. Some part of me was working hard on my business and myself… Some other part of me felt shame and guilt. I am pretty sure that second part won.

A lot of times when I start my blogs I feel they make the Monday Mingle podcast obsolete as if anyone that might remotely care about me has already heard everything about my life and updates or thoughts or wishes on the podcast. It’s the same reason I stopped my vlogs besides the fact that they were meant to accompany my gigs that never happened because lugging a guitar around on a bus or like 3-4 buses and then not having a way home after was too much for me to deal with at the time. I was too scared to ask Mom to care for me and my music and my friends at the time kept flaking on me.

I used to love writing. I used to dream of it often. I was going to write fiction, I love telling stories and I loved dreaming of them. Then I started blogs because the dreamer inside me hadn’t been crushed by despair or poverty yet and the part of me that feels like I have something to offer and give to this world was still stronger than the part of me that feels like I need to be shut away, forgotten or destroyed and I am evil and selfish and arrogant if I think or do anything else.

After all is said and done I write because I get a lot more time to gather my words and ideas. I have a different mission or goal for the podcast as well as my vlogs. However, that doesn’t stop me from feeling like anyone and everyone who might actually pay attention and want to partake in any or all of these might get fed up hearing the same thing over and over again.

Now if we think about it or I’m inviting you to think about it with me. Isn’t that how life feels often? Days and weeks and months seem like the same narrative again and again but slightly different and over time we can look back at a year or a few years and see change, growth and hopefully healing. Sure on Tuesday thinking of last Friday we don’t see some grand evidence of very much change; perhaps you met a small goal for the week or maybe all you could do is rest because your mind is a minefield and all your energy went into surviving against your pain and yourself or maybe you were kind to yourself for once amd took a much needed shower with the little energy you could gather.

I know for me looking at what I need gets overwhelming and with my fears I often face despair thinking I am too weak to keep on, that I am a failure for not getting further, that I am a fool for not confirming to a life that makes me feel dead or that caring about what I need is stupid and selfish too… but I have made it this far in life and as those of us who advocate for suicide prevention say “your story is not over” we can keep on, we are not alone. You are resilient and strong despite everything you know you have yet to fix or do or learn.

My growth has brought me to a community that aligns to my heart much more than any where I had landed in the past. I hope to keep shining and as my therapist told me recently if we are inclined to create it is because somewhere someone is calling is asking for what we have to offer. Please do listen, please do share your soul with us, please do breathe here with us.

Never stop following your own light. It is meant to help someone find their way. Someone out there needs your warmth and kindness and comfort and joy and humor things that only you can give in the beauty of simply existing as yourself not producing not pushing not doing anything more than existing. Everything beyond that is a blessing and a gift. Even at rest or in silence our presence has power and meaning. In this time of consumerism and rushing I encouraged you to observe the trees and see how strong they are just being.

Remember to Breathe

As always wishing you love and peace, thank you so much for reading.

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