4 Days

I woke up feeling really sick. My stomach will not stop hurting. It might just be trapped hot gas, but either way I didn’t have much motivation to try and pull more funds in to avoid this eviction.

My birthday is so hard for me to talk about yet here I am. I’m not sure if it’s different or if I’m just fed up with struggling in general. Like maybe my brain is so fed up with feeling like I’m about to die that I don’t even care how much negative self talk will birth from talking about my next trip around the sun.

After I shared the eviction notice more people are trying to share my GoFundMe and my Ko-Fi page so I think I felt I deserved a break. I keep saying how exhausted I feel. Some things are so frustrating and I feel awful when I get upset.

I wish I had more to give today but well… I’m just trying to survive and zoning out once the day is “over.” Sadly, I was stuck in bed until about 2 PM today.

Last year I felt like I made a big deal pushing a birthday stream. This year I’ll be streaming on Radio Free Fedi but I feel like I will just be dejected and overwhelmed by despair. Every stream I miss I feel like I’m losing a chance to get some income via tips of donations but really only my friends who have already done what they can come by so I’m not sure why I think that, perhaps the off chance of a raid?

Streaming in the Fediverse has been so different, it feels like less pressure, less hope as well (like hoping to have some friend visit with their community). It feels odd to be thankful that I don’t have hope for anyone to come by. It seems I get good numbers there which is odd for me too, and I get a lot of positive feedback which I’m not used to either.

In 4 days I will be starting my 14,610th day on this planet and starting my 40th trip around the sun and the next day I will lose my home if I can’t come up with $1920 by then. It feels like people are coming out of the wood work to try and help. I hate how I feel right now, I hate the part of me that says “too little too late” I’m struggling to say anything because I know good people have done their best, I know that some of my friends have been in hell and are also just trying to survive.

I’m clinging to hope and wishing that I will make it just fine, that my friend Salt will make it just fine and that I can someday focus all my energy on making my Mom’s last years on earth comfy and safe and fun while also doing my best to save this planet and the plants and animals on it as much as I can.

Mom was the only person in my family to treat me like I deserved love and kindness. To watch her suffer because of my disabilities breaks my heart everyday. If she were still herself she would be fighting tooth and nail for me to have a beautiful birthday and crying about the day I was born, telling me stories of how the nurses were obsessed with me and how my dad named me after her but she had a whole other beautiful plan for my name.